Facing the inner pulls without fear

My sister’s house is quiet. She’s gone the week, dogs are boarded, no workmen tinkering. It’s just me, Berkeley, (my bichon) and a whole lotta space. Well, that’s easily filled up with the beckoning of my mental to do list. You know? The stuff that never leaves and just gets buried deeper in the day to day doings until there’s a moment to really sit down?

Welll, hello, here am I really ‘sitting down’. But, there’s an ache in my heart…this feeling like “ugh…back to my life again” with intimidation of the unknown, some overwhelmedness about all there is to do and some angst over how I’m gonna get it all done. And in the quiet of sitting down to look at these inner yearnings, the pull to run help another is huge.

It’s something I’m an expert at actually. And year after year of taking on ‘other’ –well, while it feeds my sense of purpose and desire for creating community with whomever it is I’m helping, it doesn’t help me fulfil my own yearnings…the stuff I need to do that no one really can help me with–my orphaned dreams.

Of late they’ve been beckoning: adopt me now! I’m only kidding myself as I go from day to day assuming new projects and engaging in that which would help another—that I’m somehow forwarding these orphaned endeavors.

So today, this morning, it’s more than the high ceilings and sprawling square footage that looms large. The finest of quality craftsmanship simply reminds me to scoop up those orphaned dreams and start caring for them with serious intent to parent. ☺ But I’m nervous. Very, actually.

So I’m writing today about how to maintain peace when the angst to ‘get it all done’ weighs as heavily as the fear of the unknown of unchartered waters: the commitment, the time, the next steps, the how to’s.

Pulling at thought much is the actual sculpting. The model’s in view, at least a great sense of it, but the details are blurry, the next steps feel scattered and the destination unmappable.

So here’s what I’m doing to move forward—through—the unknowns and squelch the fear that would further stagnate my efforts.

First, I get still. I find anywhere that’s a nurturing quiet space, close my eyes and shut out all that murmurs in thought. And then, I take a deep breath and begin to climb the mental stairs to that attic storing my innermost yearnings….and open the door, and walk in.

If you don’t know where that storage place is, just still your thoughts and listen. And ask yourself:
What keeps nudging me? What’s my innermost desire? When I honestly strip my ego and self justification from these pulls, what remains?
What are my ultimate desires?

Whatever they are, however many or few they are, after I do this sifting, I listen. I listen to what they’re pulling and nudging. And I write them down.
Listen, look, write down.

This way, I’m giving form to the ideas without which they’ll tend to wander around in thought and seem more huge to address than they really are.
That simple act of creating a symbolic expression for an idea—in this case giving it a word, a phrase or a sentence—births the idea in a tangible way.

So you can do the same thing…Listen to these pulls, strip them of all ego and self justification…see what remains….Look at them and write them down—even if it’s just one thing. Just that 3 step process: hear the idea, look at it, write it down—engages thought in the moment and all murmurings about how the heck am I gonna accomplish this…all that huggabaloo is silenced…at least for a time.

I wrote down 3 things:
a. establish a virtual office/ongoing online presence
b. research the writings of Mary Baker Eddy
c. share those ideas online somehow

The next step in handling my fears of feeling overwhelmed is to jot down a few next steps for accomplishing each one of these goals.
Even if I don’t know.
Maybe it’s to ask for help.
Maybe it’s to ask someone I know who has one what she did to create it.
Maybe it’s to search the web for blogs about it or video tutorials.

Again, listen for the next step, look at it, write it down.
By writing it down or typing it in a word doc, the ideas that were once looming take further shape as you give them a tangible form you can put your arms/eyes around. This mental sculpture transforms your goal from a looming overwhelming idea to now a potential list of next steps you can can manage.

Concurrent to my writing these ideas down, I affirm or meditate this way:
“The divine Mind that is my creator is expressing my individuality uniquely. I know now what I need to be doing and any idea that I should consider or dwell upon I will know. Nothing I am to do can overwhelm me. Any task, next step, or ultimate endeavor I seek to achieve are expressions of my individuality and are coming to thought to be birthed and outwardly expressed. I can trust that I am able to follow through with each task and I can know too that there’s no ugly accuser attacking these efforts and that I do not have to give an ounce of attention to any condemning thought or abusive shunning. That mental cloud only seems to emerge as I move forward and to the degree I stay focused and keep thought on the goal, these opposing influences will cease to have any effect. The divine Mind holds me and all in its grasp and I am safe.”

(for more on this line of spiritual reasoning, see the writings of Mary Baker Eddy, specifically her main work on practical spirituality: Science and Health—the ideas of which I use daily in my moment to moment journey).

In sum:
Dig deep and listen for those innermost pulls.
Look at them. Write them down.

Doesn’t matter if they are biggies like: get married, have a baby, start a soup kitchen, produce a film–or if the goal is a bit simpler: join a health club, visit the Caribbean, volunteer at a shelter.

Just write those orphaned ideas down. They deserve your focus.
Write them down. Just do that. And then give yourself permission to ponder a few next steps…even on the ones that seem out of your reach.
And for today, just sit with the fact that you gave breath to the idea and to some next steps for it. What matters is that you seized the inner pull, listened and looked at it, gave it expression, and have made a promise to yourself to keep listening, keep nurturing the idea, and keep pushing yourself to ponder some next steps.

Eddy writes: “Thoughts unspoken are not unknown to the divine Mind. Desire is prayer, and no loss can occur from trusting God with our desires, that they may be moulded and exalted before they take form in words and deeds.” (Eddy, Science and Health, chapter 1: Prayer).

If you wanna chat more about any of this, my twitter handle is @tresha, my email: evolveserenity@gmail.com, or you can leave a comment right here on the blog.

Thanks for readin’…be well, Tre ~

Sifting my way toward stillness through lotsa boxes :)

This morning, while seeking stillness, I started sorting again–laundry, dirty dishes, books, notes, piles of papers that wound up in my purse–all the while defending how I function better when surrounded by order.

I pause while sorting and realize I’m sorting someone else’s stuff….my sister’s. (I’ve just helped her complete a move). And there’s this tug at my heart: “What about you Tre? When ya gonna sort your ‘stuff’ ?”

I know that voice. It comes as a little girl sometimes….gently, softly….It comes when I’m mentally running around taking care of a loved one’s needs if I’ve neglected–to some degree–my own daily creatings (writings, meditations, exercising–the stuff that I’ve learned I enjoy doing day to day).

Awareness I’ve neglected my own needs arises, followed by a conflict within. I value helping others and don’t wanna give that up. But I also know I yearn to find balance while doing so, so that I can help while still honoring my creative life practice. So when that tug comes– ‘Tre, what about me?” I know it’s time to regroup and devote thought to my creative doings.

I’m known for dropping my work and hopping the next plane to get to whomever’s asked for my help. I value that flexibility. I value my commitment to growing my relationships. I value my awareness that true love doesn’t come all neat and tidy in a boxed up package you give on a holiday. Real love means being there, making time to be there….even when it’s messy, even when it tries every last ounce of your patience or tests your emotions.

But what I’m learning too is that in really loving and supporting, I gotta drop my agenda of the expected outcome. And I need to better respect the pace and processing of the one I’m helping.
I’ve recognized what I tend to do instead is start orchestrating how I think the project should result. And if it’s not going in that direction, then I start to verbally impose my own sense of right structure and ordered life. And I expect who I’m helping to agree with me 100% and carve out their situation as I would expect, because afterall, my way’s the right way right? Hugely kidding here. Hear the ego?

So if I’m really honest with myself: while agreeing to help is unconditional love, imposing my will on the process or outcome is not. And worse, neglecting my daily needs isn’t loving myself either. But here’s my weakness: Often I don’t know how to say no when that no would translate into ‘yes’ to myself and my own needs.

I am convinced that none of us have to give up our own needs in order to help another…be it family, friend, or anyone who needs help. If there is a need and the yearning within calls to give, you make it happen. It’s the most natural inclination any of us have because it comes from within. That yearning to give, bless, love, support—it’s our spirituality yearning to be our wholeness, all the time.

So it’s more than natural to act on that impulse.

But essential to carve out while agreeing to help, is an awareness of balance. I’ve found I must ask myself to define what I’m gonna need to feel not only are my efforts productive, but so too am I not neglecting myself in the process. I don’t know many women who feel they’ve found a good balance of this. In fact, many I know would agree they always put their own needs aside and feel they neglect themselves.

I’m still trying to figure out how to do this. But figuring this out is vital. It will prevent the ‘I’m outa here’ attitude that crops up when I feel maxxed out.

Because in my anxiousness to fix the problem, I’m also impatient to see the solution and stick around until I do. ☺

Not to be vague: my current scenario involves helping my sister transition from a large home to a smaller one and now that she’s all moved in, we’re surrounded by boxes that still need sifting through, objects that need to be pitched or placed, and my organizational mode doesn’t really rest til the process is completed how I think it ought to be.

But that’s where the test comes in: did I come out to help in order to complete the project to my liking? Or am I here to support how my sister needs the project to be completed. In her eyes, my work here’s done. Technically we’re all moved in. But that bugger in me that is insisting on really completing the project: Ie no boxes, no piles, all in it’s place, well, that may well be my own needs imposing themselves and willing me to orchestrate the outcome.

She’s not inclined to have a similar outcome. Not yet anyway. She wants to take some time, get used to the new surroundings and feel her way.
In the bigger scheme of things, this is small stuff: boxes or no boxes, disarray or order, feeling finished or feeling unfinished.

And if I let myself get pulled into that focus, well, it could be completely frustrating. I like order, things in their place, a finished look. She doesn’t need that. She likes it. But she’s not gonna stay up all night to ensure it (and I’ve ridiculously been found cleaning at 4am if I’ve just returned from a trip and need to reestablish the order of my surroundings).

No one’s right or wrong here. But what remains my goal is this question: Tre, how are you gonna love yourself enough to honor your own needs but at the same time respect your sisters’ and not impose your will?

That voice of the little girl ‘what about me’ is my writing voice. It comes as the nudge when it’s been a few days since I posted or a few more days since I’ve commented on blogs or written in my journal. So today, thought by thought, I’m honoring my sister’s unique way and respecting her desire to emerge gently into this new setting. And I’m respecting my own need to order my thoughts, unpack and organize and place all the ideas into some kind of work that I’ve been ‘storing’ while helping her move and sort. And in so doing, my hope is that I’ll refrain from judging the seeming disarray, enjoy that we continue to share some incredible one to one moments we’ve not had since highschool, and be grateful that our lives can overlap this way right now. It’s really a joy.

In Mary Baker Eddy’s main work, Science and Health, she writes: “Whatever blesses one blesses all.’ And while it’s sometimes hard to find how someone else’s struggle or pain (in this case a transition) can hold a blessing for you, indeed I’m seeing much growth in my own self absorbed tendencies. In dropping my own agenda and coming to support a loved one, I’ve had to flex my all too often rigidity and firmness. I’ve had to go with the flow and deal sometimes. But all the while, the true motive of love and support remain.

And so I remind that little girl voice ‘what about me?” in helping this situation I am caring for her. She’s not neglected. She’s being directly addressed through my nurturing care of others. And as I’m leaving my willful ways aside, she’s even getting to play amidst the socalled disarray of boxes.

Seemless flow….

You get an inclination. You act on it. You make a decision. Whoosh. Cool. Big weight leaves thought. Freedom returns all but for one thing: the logistics that have to happen in order to allow you the ability to act on this decision….

Obstacle or opportunity?

Stumbling block or arena for proving patience and perserverance?

Well, talk to me last week and I woulda said OBSTACLE!!!! STUMBLING BLOCK!!!! and i woulda added a ton of exasperation as well.

A decision I’ve been putting off I finally committed to. Lock, stock, barrel ready to dive in.

I saw my way through all the necessaries to make the decision actualized except for some of the logisitics.

There’s been a lot of stumbling blocks and seeming obstacles to having those come together.

Concurrent to my own problematic situations, my sister’s taking on a move that’s come together seemlessly except for the cable /internet installation. The company goofed on her order, started service at the new location, cancelled it at the current one and she’s spent upwards of 10+ hours on the phone trying to square it all up.

Exasperated? Yup.

Sick of that cable company? Yup.

Despising the process of moving? Yup.

As she finagled her way through all the loopholes of the set up and installation of her new service I watched her joy and wonder over new beginnings get zapped by frustration with seeming incompetence and poor follow through.

And I watched how I absorbed that same reacting to my own stumbling blocks.

And I watched how I started sounding like a squawking peacock “nothing’s ever easy. this decision may be a good one but good luck having it unfold harmoniously.” I even watched myself bop myself over the head one time too many blaming myself for procrastinating…had I done this a year ago, things would have been different, blahdeeblah….

So what’s the deal? Do we always have to incur stumbling blocks with right decisions?

As we move forward with what best promotes our growth, are there always gonna be obstacles and mishaps?

Well, what if it’s not the obstacle that is the issue ?

What if the issue is how we respond?

If something is a right decision, why would we ever 2nd guess it or wonder about the timing?

And more, why would we ever fault ourselves or condemn ourselves if it’s not evolving harmoniously?

I’m no expert yet, and often find myself whining and wailing before I hush up long enough to regroup, check out my reacting wallowings, and take a deep breath to remember: at each and every moment, my life and everyone’s, is governed and sustained by Divine Love’s nudge. What typically reacts in disappointment or frustration is the human ego, the pull to be weighed down in self-justification and human will, especially out of a sense of control or power.

You and I do not need to exert power or will. We have only to walk forward and move forward with the conviction that each and every aspect of our lives is ordered and governed, sustained and supplied.

It’s not about controlling the outcome or orchestrating it. It’s about moving forward responding to those inner yearnings and then defending the right steps to shepherd the outcome are ocurring, again, in divine Love’s timing.

So in moments of angst, frustration or impatience, I’m reminded yet again that no barking at a flower made it bloom faster, no shouting at the oven made the cookies cook more rapidly, and no insisting willfully or arrogantly at our own lives will ever make them evolve more readily.

I’m humbled as I remember all is a moment to moment, thought by thought journey.

So if you’ve just made a decision that feels right for you, celebrate it and pause. And let the next days of living with this decision take shape naturally. You don’t have to steer it’s unfoldment or charge full steam ahead and dictate how it has to come together.

Pause and defend. Be still and know. Exude joy and feel loved….moment to moment and thought by thought. Good IS occurring and you are living it wholely and fully.

Enjoy your journey. 🙂

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you wanna touch base about any of these ideas, email me: evolveserenity@gmail.com or leave a comment and I’ll be sure to respond asap. 🙂 Be well and much joy to you, Tre ~

Simple thoughts for the day

Make friends with the day. (See “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle).

Dig deeper: make friends with the moments actually….especially at night when the darkness looms.

Find the peace and embrace the beauty therein. (listen to/watch Dar Williams’ song “Beauty of the Rain”).

Walk the moment in awareness.

Feel connected to all.

Wonder at the awe of being. (listen to/watch The Wailin Jenny’s ‘Beautiful Dawn’).

Let go resentment.

Squelch fear.

Hush the ‘how comes’ and ‘whys’ the ‘pangs’ and ‘regrets’ over missing someone.

Silence the remorse over so much I didn’t say… so much I wanted to say….so much I didn’t know how to say.

Know he knows, she knows, they know.

Defend that the one Mind informs all of what they need to know — to live lives in peace.

Defend that divine Love embraces each heart and is right now fulfilling all with hope and love.

And when the day finds thought squirming about in confusion, unable to focus on truth, getting caught up in condemning and hurtful attacking thoughts or anger or worse, feeling anger toward all the injustice around us globally, REMEMBER to take moments to get still and know that one thought is all that is needed to bring peace.

Pause in gratitude for the glory that you are able to think and be that love you wish to see in the world…..and let that love mobilize into action with every conversation and interaction you share.

These will continue to be my goals for the moments….

What are yours?

Leave a comment and/or share how you carve out peace moment to moment…

Thanks for reading…Tre 🙂

Open to Love’s agenda

How fluid and flexible is your life’s agenda?
How open are you to responding to the call that comes for help?

I ask myself these questions pretty regularly.
I strive not to get too ‘staccato’ in my thinking or my actions.
I yearn to be ‘ready’ for the call that comes for help.

And, I used to think I was ready. I used to think I would respond at a given moment’s notice–especially if the call for help came from a family member or another loved one….

And then my sister called me to help her with a move….more of a transition to a new beginning, actually.

And while my initial yes quickly followed with flight arrangements and me traveling to another city, I felt some resistance brewing in my heart.

You see, I’ve been a bit willing to jump at the opportunity to help others and while it’s my nature to say yes to such offers, I’ve been pretty mobile the better part of the last year.

Yet more recently, I resolved to live in an area I adore.
And I am so thrilled with this tropical oasis that– rather ridiculously– I’ve resisted leaving, even to go pay a visit to my dad or mom who each live only a wee few hours’ drive north.

And yet…the latest request wasn’t a permanent change kinda thing. It was simply an offer to come help this transition.

So for a few days now, I’ve been sifting through why I still am resisting being here a bit…I know I’m helping and that feels honest and tender and true….

Last night I considered this feeling.
I’m not causing it.
I want to be here. I want to support my sister this way. I know how much it means to her to have my help but more to the point, I can’t imagine not supporting her transition right now. To me, family is about being there for one another, no matter how tough or ugly or painful it means, no matter how much time it takes. You endure together.

So rather than sift through why I was uncomfortable, I started mentally listing the reasons I’m grateful to be here with her right now:

Sharing lives….hearts…conversations…and hugs….moments where one welcomes another ‘in’…and lives intermingle, exchanging thoughts, feelings, wishes, regrets, fears, sorrows, hopes, dreams…

Days become building blocks of partnered new beginnings.

Check lists of to do’s turn into moments of holding hands and supporting one another.

Defending the spiritual fact of oneness to divine Love … how this spiritual fact comforts and heals any feeling of neglect, unworthiness, or loneliness.

These are just a few of the things inwardly I’ve been valuing about helping my sister at this time….

So why that pit of emptiness, fear within, and something unsettled in my heart?

Well, time and again I’ve seen this pattern: there’s often a pull to push you off track and make you feel a disconnect of some kind.

It’s not a force or a power you create. It’s this belief that you or anyone could become separate from the divine Love that basis your/our being…for a moment…or for an indefinite amount of time.

Whatever regrets….whatever fears….whatever criticizes..whatever upsets…whatever disturbs…whatever unsettles…..any and all of these suggestions in thought, even though they come guised as your own or cloaked in the costume of ‘I feel’ these are simply mental attempts to separate you from a fluid constant perpetual feeling of serenity and peace….of oneness and truth.

And in short, these beliefs do not have to rule the minute, hour, morning or day. They can be resisted and thwarted off by bathing yourself in the reality of your spiritual identity and oneness with the divine.

Knowing this, I knew that the wonkiness I have been feeling about being here has nothing to do with my being here and everything to do with the fact that wherever we are, there will be occasions to fight off that feeling of separateness to divine Love.

So for the past several mornings, as I’ve awoken, I’ve prayed deeply and earnestly to establish my relationship to the divine. I know that there is and always remains this all presence of Love governing, ruling each moment and that I can know and feel at every moment what this agenda is….

Anything that suggests disconnect is not my own thought and is not apart of divine Love’s agenda for me or for anyone, ever.

I know that I can be alert to it’s tendencies and resist entirely its attempt to misinfluence me or persuade me to feel alone or separate or removed from work I should be doing.

I know that my real work is to perpetuate this feeling of oneness and to stand for it and prove it day in and day out. And I know I can be patient even though those wonky feelings were there because I know I didn’t cause them and don’t have to be influenced by them either. My days and moments can be filled with joy and appreciation that I’m here, now, helping another life.

Praying and defending like this has really helped.

Together we’ve been able to sift through a lot of her unwanted stuff and ready up for this estate sale she’s having this weekend.

What’s cool? This morning I felt like I can’t imagine not being here to help with this, to partner our lives, our nows for these days.

I’m sure there will still be more work to do….mentally and otherwise. But my gratitude remains sure, as does my conviction that none of us are ever separate from Love’s agenda and can –at any moment—silence the pull to draw us down.

More than helping my sister’s transition, I’m beginning to see I’m really defending that none of us can ever move out of Love’s care. We simply transition to new and deeper views of the constancy of that permanent relationship!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gimme a holler if you wanna chat further about any of this stuff.
And thanks for reading / sharing this post.

Be well, Tre ☺

Undisturbed by f.e.a.r. (false evidence appearing real)

Ask yourself: no holds barred, what would it take to move forward in spite of collective opinion that declares you’ll fail?

To me, it would take, and does take, the determination and courage to mentally carve out what are your innermost desires, chart out some kind of path to follow that forwards your pursuit of them, and then press on.

In spite of collective opinion.

David Cook’s winning of American Idol is a fresh example of the value of doing so.

In spite of even the judges’ opinions on the night of the finals, he triumphed and won.

I’m thrilled for him. Beyond just loving rock and appreciating the uniqueness of his talents as a singer and guitar player, his win is a symbol for me in my current day to day and moment to moment o press on….

I’m not going for a win on American Idol.

I’m going for moment to moment sculpting my thought, carving enduring serenity, a life of consistent joy and peace, love and fulfillment.

But even though I know these goals embody the hunk of marble that is our true life’s substance, we gotta chisel thought to really reflect their depth and to reflect it consistently. Against opinion that often laughs at the attempt, says it’s not doable, or sways you to think any effort thereto is pointless.

In Science and Health’s 14th chapter Recapitulation, which formed the basis of her early instruction on the Science of Being Mary Baker Eddy taught at the college she founded–the Massachussetts Metaphysical College, she defines the nature of substance as “that which is incapable of discord and decay” (p. 468).

Her entire answer is here:

“Answer.–Substance is that which is eternal and incapable of discord and decay. Truth, Life, and Love are substance, as the Scriptures use this word in Hebrews: “The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Spirit, the synonym of Mind, Soul, or God, is the only real substance. The spiritual universe, including individual man, is a compound idea, reflecting the divine substance of Spirit. ” (p. 468)

I’ve come to see time and again that anything causing fear or intimidation is usually based on false evidence seeming or appearing real…and you can think of f.e.a.r abbreviated that way. Minimally, much that scares or intimidates, much that wants to thwart your innocence or stunt your progress is fear based and not ever that of substance.

The way to work through it thought by thought is to refuse to be misinfluenced by such suggestions. This is all they will ever be. Simply suggestions. Even if coming from a respected friend or relative. Even if coming from an admired celebrity. Even if coming from a judge on American Idol (because clearly that opinion was proved wrong).

Check thought hourly, moment by moment. See if what’s stopping you from pursuing your innermost desire is fear. If so, don’t be impressed. Press on. You owe this to yourself.

Imagine a world of each one of us living our authentic selves, undisturbed by public opinion or our own fear.

Imagine living your own life being consistently true to your inner core.

Now pause…and realize you can stop imagining… just go live this….thought by thought.

Get in touch if you wanna chat about how (email: evolveserenity@gmail.com or 305.394.1070).

Be well…

Grace, forgiveness, compassion endure….

Hey to all….

I’m writing a bit more to add to the former lengthy post….

Heather Armstrong of Dooce.com has added her 2cents on her experience being interviewed on the Today Show.

Kudos to Heather. She comments with poise, grace, and compassion…and albeit down right honesty. She tells all her readers that even before going live Kathy Lee Gifford expressed relatability on being criticized by viewers for speaking about her family on air. So prior to any live footage, the two were united in common ground: they know the value of sharing personal stories with viewers/readers. And they know the costs. But do it anyway.

Heather compassionately handles the retelling of then what happened on air.

She also goes a step further.

She invites others to interview bloggers to try to wrap their arms around why this endeavor is as successful for some as it is..what the validity is among blogging communities. In short she invites broadcast media to have another chance.

I applaud this response. She doesn’t offer any sense of hurt, torn ego or anger and resentment.

She treats this issue well and professionally.

Why do I write about it thus?

Because my own maturing sense of grace yearns to treat people this same way. I could list 100’s of times when my motives have been called into question, when my style is bawked or condemned. And regrettably, I can not boast having taken the higher ground 50% of the time.

Surely I’m learning to. But the ego gets in there, self justifies and basically says ‘well to heck w/ them. if they don’t get it, so be it. i don’t have time for this’ and moves on.

Hello.

Where is the humanity in that?

Now in fairness, I haven’t maintained that disposition for a few years probably more. But I’m still well aware of when my feelings have been hurt, when I’ve felt wrongly accused, criticized and even fired for misjudgements of my character or misinterpretations of my motives.

In the long run, I’ve learned and am learning still it is ALWAYS better to respond with grace, poise, and compassion. Forgiveness needs to come as well and will.

At one point in my journey I was offered a job I had to move cross country for. I was promised a great salary with benefits. Come to find out a few months into that scenario, the reality was the job was never really budgeted for and before 90 days was up I was given my notice.

Crushed, bewildered, frantic, and furious, I was angry…very. I became resentful and dug myself into a great big pit of despair for far too long to admit. I’d trusted, really felt it was a good fit and then whammo! Ousted before I had even acclimated to this new area.

Shortly thereafter I learned that even had the job been approved, my qualifications would not have measured up. Okay. Humbling to learn but okay.

Still, I fumed over this for a long, long while. It got personal. I spent way too much time being angry at a few people and myself as well. I felt so stupid, naive, and clammed up on my sense of trusting humanity. For a while I felt used, exploited and taken advantage of.

Lemme tell ya where those negative emotions got me. NOWHERE. Absolutely nowhere.

Anger and hatred, bitterness and resentment never get you anywhere. And sure, you can kid yourself that you’re gonna lock all that emotion up and put it into a mental trunck and never again open it, or that you’ll just not think about that stuff anymore and never trust THOSE people again.

Try it. You are kidding yourself if you can simultaneously maintain a sense of peace.

In fact, during the aftermath, a few months into the saga while I was volunteering in a few different capacities, still fuming inwardly from my rejection, I broke out with a heinous fever and was in bed for days. It was the dead of winter. And I had a dog to take care of. Fortunately my neighbors helped me. But at that point, I knew I couldn’t just stew on my anger.

I needed healing.

And in my life for healing I turn to prayer based on the ideas in Science and Health. Day in and day ou,t I prayed like I do whenever I am treating myself. And day by day the fever broke a bit. But it would zip back up to really uncomfortable levels.

Well, during this time, a few people came to mind who I’d locked up in the trunk of “You are justified to despise these individuals.” UGH! I can’t stand admitting I even felt this way. But I did.

YET, divine Love was doing its work….was striving to embrace me with innocence and bathe me in goodness and was having a tough time doing so because my sense of ego and will were just right up there justifying these feelings.

Wasn’t gonna cut it. You can’t strive to be the emanation of divine Love while also harboring anger and resentment and loathing anyone or anything.

Aware of this, I started to walk down that path of forgiveness. I didn’t want to. I ADMIT IT.

Self justification was all over this effort screaming “What are ya kiddin’ me? You have every right to loathe this person for what he/she did to you. They don’t deserve forgiveness.’

OH REALLY?

Think again.

For the next 24 hours, I thought about shifting my perspective and aiming to see spiritually each of these individuals I’d dumped into that mental trunk. Bit by bit I took my thoughts of each one and considered each of them as a child of God. And I asked myself over and over “Tre, how is divine Love seeing its expression as this person? Tre, is divine Love seeing an example of manhood or womanhood that it created that can harm another?”

In fact, the heinous things people do are moments of hiccups of behavior, attitude, being. They are not the true nature of that person. No one wake up and bounds outa bed to take advantage of someone. NO ONE DOES. If they do this, it’s because of a pattern of behavior. But it’s changeable and it’s not their true nature and substance.

As a spiritual seeker and person who practices the Science of Being as explained in Eddy’s Science and Health, I’ve vowed to take up all that opposes the true nature of someone and advocate for his or her true individuality. So nothing was different in my view of these people that had wronged me.

I needed to flush out all the ill will and anger I felt. I needed to stop thinking of them as heinous people and mean people and worthless people and no good people. I needed to see them purely, wholely spiritually.

Would my doing this inevitably change their outward dispositions and actions? Not necessarily. But it WOULD heal my wrong sense of them.

And this is key to healing.

It is not mine or yours to ensure that someone change their ways and be a poised, graceful, honest, fair, just, compassionate individual. It is our duty to insist that such is their true nature, regardless if we’re shown this behavior or not.

In my case, as I let go of all the hatred, as I sought to find each aspect of good that each one of these people manifested, my fever broke. It took a bit…but it did finally break and I was able to join up with some family and spend a normal (somewhat) holiday with them. I say somewhat b/c in my family nothing is ever quite normal. 🙂

Anyhoo, I could write more and more about how Iprayed, about how iIhealed my loathing toward these folks…And I probably will. For now my point: harboring resentment, hatred, or anger toward anyone, no matter how justified, will never get you where you need to go in your own journey. In fact, harboring this muckety muck will slow you down tremendously.

So no matter what, get into that thought of yours and start weeding out all the muck all the huggabaloo and all the icky stuff. You can do it. You deserve to do it. And what’s more, humanity deserves nothing less.

Enjoy your journey. Shoot me an email or gimme a call if you want some help with any of this or just wanna chat about it.

Be well….Tre 😉 evolveserenity@gmail.com; 305/394.1070 (At&t unlimited mins)